Ep 1: Guilt - How to deal with it, particularly around food

(0:00) I'd love to begin shifting your perspective on guilt today as one of the topics that we (0:08) delve into here and there, particularly around food. So guilt, there are a lot of layers around (0:16) that. I unpack this all the time with clients.

I had to unpack a crap ton for myself. So many (0:24) versions, scenarios, and reasons that we've run guilt. I was raised on a very pure form of (0:33) Minnesota guilt.

People say, oh, Catholic guilt, or Lutheran guilt, or Jewish guilt, (0:37) or Midwestern guilt, or it doesn't matter. And I used to wield it very adeptly, beating myself up (0:44) internally on a regular basis. And I know if I ask the question, who does this or who did this, (0:50) I think most of you guys raise your hands with me.

Guilt is about should, and shoulds, (0:58) and shoulding all over yourself. Should means you've already done something wrong. It's an (1:04) obligation that we've already kind of screwed up.

I should have done that. I should have brought (1:08) the car in for its 30,000 mile checkup. I should have.

Guilt around food, an example from somebody (1:16) who asked for me to bring this topic up and talk around this. She runs anxiety about being rude, (1:23) not eating something, or what's offered at someone's house. So she feels innately not (1:31) confident in eating and food choices to begin with, and then perpetuate it with more shoulds, (1:36) and then conveniently run guilt around that.

So yes, we care about how people feel, and we want (1:43) them to feel joy, and light, and happy, et cetera. And also, how people feel is not yours. (1:51) It's only theirs.

And what you choose to eat and put in your body is yours. It is only yours. (1:59) If you don't eat, air quote, pot roast, that's okay.

How they feel about you not eating pot roast (2:08) is theirs. Yours is the choice of every single thing you put in your mouth. So if you choose (2:15) to eat something that causes you inflammation and flares up your anxiety across the board, (2:21) that's okay because it's your choice.

You don't have to eat anything, particularly because of (2:28) what you are assuming someone's feelings will be. So how do we handle this guilt? (2:36) Food example, right? We're going to keep on this food example. Just as gently as we have (2:43) reserved for other people we love, we respond to ourselves first.

Respond to yourself first, (2:50) just as gently as you respond to people you love and care about. Generally, you respond that way (2:55) to them more than you do yourself, right? Respond to yourself first. Check in with what you actually (3:00) want to eat, right? And just ask yourself a general question.

Okay, what do I know about that? (3:06) Well, I feel so much more clear and my RA is eased when I eat this versus that. All right. (3:13) How do you want to feel? I want to feel good and free and light and happy and pain-free.

 (3:20) All right. How do you get there? Do you get there by choosing to run fear and should around (3:26) someone else's feelings that will dissipate or by responding to yourself, right? So an example (3:34) with a kid, doesn't matter if it's your child, your niece, a child you care about. If this child (3:40) has food allergies or food sensitivities that cause them pain, will you tell the parents of (3:46) the play date? Yes, all capital letters.

Yes, guaranteed. So you are your own firstborn child. (3:56) That's a fact.

You are your own firstborn child. So an example again, let's say, you know, your (4:04) anxiety flares up, your RA hands swell, and you get super bloated and uncomfortable when you eat (4:09) or drink this, right? So practice saying, I love myself enough to choose every moment of every day (4:18) what I eat, even in the house. Respond to yourself first, just like you would your kid.

Tell yourself (4:25) it's okay for you to choose exactly what you want to eat to make you feel physically, mentally, (4:31) emotionally good and that the host's reactions are hers and only hers, right? That is not mine, (4:40) that is hers. And then you shift your responses and you shift yourself to her, your relationship (4:47) starts to shift with her or it doesn't and it tears off, right? And that's okay. (4:54) Responding to yourself first and actually choosing how you feel and how you live and what you eat, (5:01) it's the whole reason you're here.

And if we go around running anxiety about being rude and not (5:07) eating, you know, grandma's favorite uber mayo potato salad, that's the opposite reason of why (5:13) you're on this planet. Choosing to have bloating or RA swell ups or inflammation or pain or reactions (5:20) to food because of what we are afraid they might think or feel, that's an awful space to live in. (5:28) We've all been there and chosen that and that's an awful space to live in.

Give yourself some grace, (5:35) soften, breathe, have some water and respond to yourself like you do for your child, right? You'd (5:42) be like, oh, he'll have these things and be super happy. And you can either say he's allergic and (5:47) sensitive to the rest or you can leave that out, right? He'll have these things and be happy. (5:51) And thank you so much for this awesome hang, right? Change the topic and have fun.

Change the topic (5:57) off of food and just be there for the company. Guilt in all situations is some level of should (6:06) and that you've always already done something wrong and there's an obligation. (6:10) We will talk more about this.

We can process more about this. (6:16) And I can't wait to hear if this resonates with you and to talk to you more next time.